Vice President Vacation
JD Vance’s lifestyle of the rich, famous, and ungrateful — on your dime
If Kamala Harris had used our tax dollars to raise a river’s water level so her family kayak trip would be more fun, Fox News would still be foaming at the mouth. They’d have a live chyron reading “KAMALA’S KAYAK CORRUPTION,” Doocy Lite in chest waders, Hannity doing investigative paddle-boarding, and Jesse Watters pretending to drown on set. You’d get helicopter shots, shoreline correspondents, and retired Navy SEALs explaining that kayaking with taxpayer-funded water is basically an act of war. Two weeks straight.
But JD Vance does it? Orders the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers to literally change the flow of the Little Miami River so he can kayak for his birthday? Crickets. Not a peep between the reverse mortgage ads and the gold coin commercials. And this wasn’t about flood prevention, farmland, or protecting homes. This was river feng shui for one man’s float day — complete with Secret Service acting as lifeguards and unpaid extras in his Instagram fantasy sequence.
This is the same JD Vance who’s famous in Washington for not starting his workday. The man treats the vice presidency like a Marriott rewards program. Six months in, his schedule looks less like a public servant’s and more like a “Where to Vacation If You Accidentally Marry Into Oil Money” Pinterest board: Vermont, India, Greenland, the Vatican, Disneyland, the UK — and Ohio, where his “local” getaway still involved a taxpayer-funded hydrological glow-up.
His UK leg began at a 15-bedroom estate with a billiards room and a hedge maze — because nothing screams “I’m fighting for working families” like losing your way between champagne toasts. Then it’s off to the Cotswolds, where Land Rovers outnumber pickup trucks and his neighbors are Kate Moss, David Beckham, and Idris Elba. Meanwhile, America’s national parks — gutted by Trump’s budget cuts — are closing trails, delaying repairs, and laying off staff. But don’t worry, JD’s waterways abroad are flowing like a $9 bottle of Evian. And when he’s not drifting down rivers he had raised for his own amusement, he’s out in public demonstrating why no one should ever let him operate heavy machinery — starting with his own body.
You’ve seen the footage. The “run.” That cursed, flailing spectacle that went viral for all the wrong reasons. He lurches forward like a Rockette halfway through a costume change, hustling backstage with a UTI, a wedgie, and the sudden realization she left the stove on. Hips swiveling like a malfunctioning parade float, arms flapping in some frantic Morse code only birds could read. And instead of laughing it off, JD went on Stephen Miller’s wife’s podcast to insist he wasn’t really running — no, he was “playing a game called The Ogre” and imitating a swamp monster. As though that clears it up. Imagine getting roasted for looking ridiculous and thinking the winning move is: Actually, I was pretending to be a fictional creature who lives in mud.
It’s all of a piece with the rest of him. This is a guy who can’t be trusted to order a doughnut without making it weird. The guy who wears a t-shirt in the pool not for modesty, but because he seems to think chlorinated water will expose his sins. And the guy who keeps showing up to official events looking like he’s midway through a YouTube tutorial called Smoky Eye for the Soulless. Not smolder — more “mall goth who got lost in a Sephora and decided to run with it.” It’s eyeliner as a personality replacement, and it’s doing about as good a job as he is.
Fox will run a three-day special if a Democrat orders oat milk. But JD Vance can commission a taxpayer-funded lazy river for his kayak day and they shrug. Imagine Kamala Harris doing this — staying in hedge-maze estates while Americans ration insulin and choose between rent and groceries. They’d slap “KAMALA’S MAZE OF CORRUPTION” on screen and play it until the midterms. Tucker Carlson would crawl out of his bunker just to monologue about “the death of American decency by kayak.”
Meanwhile, JD and Trump are ripping healthcare from 17 million Americans, slashing food assistance for 22 million families, and handing yet another tax break to billionaires who wouldn’t cross the street to spit on him if he were on fire. The working class? Not on the itinerary — unless they’re holding a tray of drinks at the launch dock.
The Army Corps of Engineers exists to save lives, repair infrastructure, and protect our environment. Under JD Vance, it’s just one more resort amenity. Every gallon moved for his “safe navigation” was a gallon not protecting a home from floodwaters, not repairing a washed-out trail, not preserving a fragile habitat. But sure — lecture us about fiscal responsibility while you’re figuring out which side of the baguette to bite first.
JD Vance isn’t a public servant. He’s a tourist with a taxpayer credit card. A couch fucker in eyeliner, knees knocking like a bathroom-bound Rockette in a rogue parade float, armed with excuses as flimsy as his work ethic. He is, in every way, living the lifestyles of the rich and famous — on our taxpayer dime — and he didn’t even say thank you.
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I want to know what the kid he was running after was doing and how he handled it. Recall when his little boy "bothered" him about Pikachu?